I received your rather vitriolic comment on the post I left here on Christmas. I tried to email you at your yahoo address, but I got a reply saying it was disabled….which leads me to believe you only used it to throw some shade in my direction. I had hoped that you would reply to my request to identify yourself, since your email address didn’t really ring a bell with me, and so that I could perhaps have a mature discussion with you about your concerns, no matter how hatefully and cowardly you chose to express them sitting behind your keyboard using a generic and non-identifying email address. I guess, from your message you think that my making mention of the comment made by my sister (who yes, as you pointed out, is deceased) one Christmas long ago means that I lack maturity, and that I am incapable of letting her ‘rest in peace’ and don’t know how to forgive and forget. I do have a blurb on my ‘about’ page here saying I welcome all respectful comments. Yours does not, however, fall into the respectful category, so I’m not going to copy and paste it here in full. I’m just going to speak to some of your points.
1. It’s unfortunate that you find my posts ‘long winded’. I may investigate writing ‘summary’ introductions in the future so that people like yourself might be able to avoid reading anything you might find distasteful.
2. I do not wish to paint my husband or myself as any better NOR any worse than anyone else. We are human beings. We make mistakes. We fail miserably at times in parenting these kids….just like everyone else does with theirs. I am happy to take my knocks when someone tells me ‘you could have handled that differently’…..and that’s why I see a therapist myself….I do hope that revelation wasn’t too personal for you to read about…the fact that I do realize I’m not perfect, have no desire to be perfect as it’s an impossible goal, and find myself flawed enough to want to do something about it. I am frequently socially inept. I have a nasty habit of verbally fighting my way out of corners when I feel I’ve been put in one. I have a lot of terrible habits. I have been a mean, terrible, rotten bastard to people at times in my life. Some of them deserved it. Some not. I regret each and every incident, irrespective of the catalyst for it.
3. I am concerned that you feel my writing is an attention seeking device, and that I’m trolling for likes on Facebook and comments on my blog. I really couldn’t care less how many ‘like’ it or ‘comment’ on it. I am not an attention seeker by nature. I’m an introvert. I have taken several ‘personality tests’ and each and every one labeled me as an introvert. Therefore, I strive to AVOID attention. I like to write. I find a lot of wisdom in what other parents share about their own experiences with their own children. I write about what I know, and what is important to me. I find face-to-face dialogue almost debilitating sometimes. I express myself by writing. I don’t do it to make others like me…or think I’m some ‘wonderful person’….I’m an asshole…honestly…I’ll be the first to tell you that….I’m an asshole. There, I said it…and I hope NO ONE posts a comment debating or disputing my calling myself an asshole…I don’t want them to. I don’t want even one person to tell me that I’m NOT an asshole….I’d rather be thought of as an asshole that still has people who put up with his bullshit and stay connected. Otherwise, I might have to try to be a better person…and that’s really exhaustive….I’m more comfortable admitting I’m an asshole who occasionally sucks as a parent and feels badly about it.
4. My sister was mother to one of the boys…..she died. She and I had a long, troubled history. I raise her son now with appropriate compassion for the fact that it was his mother. I sugarcoat a lot of stuff I say about that relationship, but I’m never going to try to present her as a saint to me, or in my interaction with her. She wasn’t. But she loved him, and he loved her…..and that relationship deserves respect and celebration for him, which I do….every day. There is a long road ahead for him to process many things. I will never teach him to be ashamed of himself for who he is, and will teach him that no matter what others say ‘about him’….it says more about THEIR character than his….I won’t teach him to ‘hide’ anything about himself for the sole reason that OTHERS may not like it….I also know how to filter out things about both the kids, myself, and my husband that are not exactly appropriate for public consumption. My comment about how my sister was hurting that Christmas, and the ‘nastiness’ she displayed toward the rest of us wasn’t meant as a dig against her…I understand a lot about her (any my) unhappiness at that time. But when all is said and done…it was exactly how she responded that Christmas…..and if her son reads it in the future, my hope is he reads the entire message that ‘things’ don’t heal wounds or buy affection or happiness. I’m actually SAD that his mother didn’t have that good fortune to learn it herself before she died. I’m also sad that you missed the point entirely of what/why I wrote it…..I need to work on my writing skills.
5. If you are someone I know, personally, that I have ridiculed…..I apologize if I hurt your feelings over something. There. I’ve apologized. I ridicule a lot in life….I make jokes out of a lot of situations…..I point out many things I find humorous. I have a bad habit of getting through difficult situations by ‘trying’ to be funny….sometimes I fail….miserably….and don’t think before I speak. If I’ve done that to you, personally, then mea culpa….it was not my intention to hurt you. The ‘tone’ of your message was rather bitter…leading me to believe I’ve offended you personally somehow, at some point…I’d like the chance to more fully apologize for it, but would need to know what it was I said or did to you, personally, that caused you such angst.
6. Lastly, this is my blog….I post a link to it on my Facebook page because people I know and like asked me to since they don’t read their email regularly. I don’t do it to get ‘more people to read it’….I am grateful to anyone who DOES take the time to read it, but if no one read it, I wouldn’t be heartbroken…I write for myself….and i even keep a more personal journal of the things that are not proper to reveal to a wide audience. You’d be amazed what’s in there!
The above stuff is my diplomatic reply to you. If you wish to avoid any unpleasantness,…..don’t keep reading….
I’m interested to know if i really know you personally, or rather if you really know ME personally. You seem to have a lot of misconceptions about me, and have ascribed some AWFUL intentions to my writing…..so if you wish to have a dialogue about this…please, contact me. If you are not capable of that level of maturity, then I ask only that you not visit my blog….that you remove yourself from my Facebook friends list (if you have not already) and that you not bother to keep in touch, no matter who you are. Your method of commentary on my writing was cowardly, rude, and hateful. I’m not sure i even WANT you in my life if you have no other way of expressing your ‘concern’ for my revelations about my past and present life, and level of detail I offer. No one is forcing your hand to click on the mouse, and if you are that uncomfortable with my words…I suggest you not read them. If you are concerned that one of the kids’ peers might tease them about seeking therapy….or knowing that they do/did as kids….then you underestimate the fact that I fully intend to teach both of them stand up for themselves and call assholes out for being assholes…..and teach them never to bow down to douchenozzles who expect them to change who they are just because someone else might not like it. That’s the way I live….and have for years. I started this blog for me…not for anyone else….and you know what? It’s mine….my content, my words, and my choice. I will take 100% responsibility for any future fallout of anything I say here.
So please, if you cannot be a ‘grown up’ and deliver your message with kindness and identify who you are rather than hide behind some now disabled email account like a coward, then at least do me a favor….hang out on Pinterest and learn 500 new uses for ear wax……troll twitter and add some hashtags onto every other word you write…..pick up Readers Digest and memorize ‘Laughter Is The Best Medicine’….obviously my blog and my Facebook of days past is just too distasteful for you……I’d rather you avoid it….and me…in the future…..